Dating. Missing

I have a profound sense of loss and longing after a blind date.

It’s not to do with the blind date partner. I’m not entirely sure what it is. Online dating is a modern cure for the age-old symptom of loneliness.I think I stay single because I am afraid of putting myself out there, afraid of being assessed and judged. The older I get the more I worry that I am set in my ways, unbending, inflexible, opinionated, and that it will reflect on me as a person.

The metro ride home from the date was painful. There was a hole in my chest that ached when I saw an attractive woman. I wanted to go up to her and tell her that she had a lovely face and shapely legs, that I would love to have a coffee with her, but of course I didn’t, because people generally don’t, because it’s never a good idea.

It all feels so much…effort these days. Painting a smile, cracking a joke, being polite, not judging her, like-me-want-me.

Then the sense of loss afterwards. The unexplained missing part, the hole that you swear wasnt there before, when youre at home, doing the dishes, watching youtube, the part that you don’t think about until you put yourself out there again.

My disconnect with the female species isn’t improving…